I'll write you out of the story like you knew that I would

right now i'm listening to shake it by metro station.

in no way do i feel like i normally do when i listen to metro station. I don't feel carefree and happy and like dancing and listening to techno. I feel like listening to dashboard confessional and watching some sappy movie about falling in love and then wallowing in my problems.

it's funny how one thing, one feeling, can make you think of things you've never thought of before.

One time I talked to a boy a lot. Almost exactly one year ago. I told everyone God had picked him out for me, and we were going to get married. I honestly thought this was the one guy. We never dated, or had a relationship other than talking every couple days. This guy is like my therapist, anything's wrong i can just go ahead and tell him and he'll understand, or at least try his best. I had never liked a guy in this way. It was like, if we were to get together, i'd be more than pleased. This boy stopped working where he was, he moved back to Texas. He had said he cared about me and everything, but it pretty much felt like "Well, Sammie, I'm not being paid to care about you anymore, so I don't."

Now i'm listening to Capital Lights' "Out of Control"
it is genius.

"Well situated from beginning but I'm ending appalled
I'm changing on my own"

"I'll write you out of the story like you knew that I would
Living happily ever after never happens for good
Well, your only getting what you want cause you're getting a rise
I'm just along for the ride"

i never thought it would be possible to not love this boy.
honestly, i'd love to say i hate him.
I hate how he's engaged to this girl that's not me.
I hate how he made me think he cared about me but he didn't.
and yes, i do feel anger. at least, i wish it was anger towards him.
it's anger towards myself, for letting myself love him.

i'd love to say i hate him, but that'd be lying.

sometimes i'm scared i still love him.