maneater.

so i am officially the worst blogger ever.
it has been 2 month and a week since my last blog.

so i'll fill you in.

life is life.
i've been kind of hating it but there's the hope for the (near) future for all the good things that will happen.

school is unbearable, i hate it i want it to be summer now.

and God is amazing. it sucks because i constantly want to be in a place of worship, and shout ouit in tongues and jump up and down and sing and praise.
and i can't.
because life has to interrupt me.
i have to go to school
i have to go to work.
and i have to actually pay attention and do what is expected of me, which is not do worship in the middle of the classroom.
sometimes it's hard for me. i'm always upset about it and just like "WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LOVE GOD?"
and it hits me. like a brick.
because if everyone loved God in the same way that His followers do, there'd be no one for us to outreach to, no one to tell of His word, and who would we lead?

and boooooys.
oh baby.
so there's this boy, Colton.* I really like Colton. and i think Colton is meant for me. Colton and i have been "frating," meaning we are more than friends, and less than dating. Colton has been going through a...crisis lately. He's kind of disconnected himself from the world and i haven't talked to him in a while. I don't wanna pursue him because I don't want him to think I'm needy or obsessed with him or something. I'm just worried.

Then there is a boy, Noah.* I used to think Noah liked me, we used to talk all the time and what have you. He used to tell me how amazing i am and beautiful and he used to send me all these hearts and stuff. And I didn't want Noah to, because I didn't want to have to lead Noah on, and I didn't want to break his heart. I didn't say anything to Noah, but he just randomly stopped talking to me, and I really kind of miss it. It was really nice.

And Xavier.* I met Xavier. I liked Xavier. Xavier didn't like me back. Xavier goes out with girl. Xavier and girl break up. Sammie is happy. Sammie realizes she wants to pursue Colton. Sammie doesn't like Xavier anymore, but she still talks to him and stuff. Xavier's friends accuse Sammie of liking him and then say all this mean stuff to her. Xavier kind of fluffs it off. Sammie is now mad at Xavier because if Sammie's friend did something like that to someone Sammie would be kissing their butt for forgiveness, not just saying "oh sorry bye." Xavier is an a-hole.

CALEB* I have never officially met Caleb but I know OF him. Caleb is super amazing and stuff, but 1) he doesn't know i exist and 2) i don't know how to make him know I exist. Also, Caleb and Colton are friends and if anything more is to happen with Colton or Colton really loves me and wants to be more than my friendboy, I don't want to hurt him. I will always like Colton more. That's what sucks.

There might also be another boy trouble coming along in the form of Brody.* You may or may not hear about him later.

All in all, I should never be allowed around boys ever again.

* fake name. All names witheld to protect my dignity if one of them reads this.

i wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe.

"Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.”-Sophia Loren

what tells us what beautiful is? what defines how we see ourselves, and how we decide if we're good enough or not?
can you truly look at someone and say "they're too fat",
or "they're not pretty enough"?

what makes our society think that we have all the answers, and we decide what's pretty and what's not, what's skinny and what's not, what's hot and what's not?

can one person truly be the definition of sexy?
can one person truly be the definition of beautiful?

what if there was a girl who was drop dead gorgeous, the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, but she was a terrible person? serial killer, shallow, mean to people, ruthless?

what if there was a girl who wasn't exactly good looking, but she was the next Mother Teresa?

who would most people pick to hang out with? the beautiful one, because our society is shallow and looks count for more than looks.

i'm vowing to start looking at people for what they really are, and i hope i can bring some of you along. (:
(and that was super corny)

elsk eller selvmord.

Today I was sitting in spanish, I thought it was a day like any other. The bell is delayed and there's an announcement asking for a counselor to report to the big gym. I thought that was little odd, but whatever, maybe nothing's going on. The bell finally rings and we do whatever we normally do. A girl that had gym that period was telling her boyfriend what happened, and I was right next to them, I overheard. I heard "...*mumble mumble* went into the washroom and swallowed a bunch of chemicals *mumble mumble*" Obviously this girl didn't accidentally leave class and swallow a bunch of chemicals. I think anyone in the world would know this girl was attempting suicide.

I was thinking about her all day. I was fascinated. No one can tell us who she is. I don't know who this girl is, I might, but I don't know if she's someone I know. I just want to know who it is. I want to spend time with her. I want to have conversations with her. I want to get into the deep crevices of her mind and try and figure her out. Know her thoughts and the way her mind works and her passions and her pains and those things that often people never know. I want to know the "secret" part of her.

It also made me despise suicide so much. And my heart broke for her. I remember what it's like to have those thoughts of "it'd be better to be dead right now, that's how much it hurts" and I would consider taking my life. But never would I ever go through with it. I could NEVER go through with it. No matter what. Yeah, it'd make people respect you and love you, and if they already did, stop keeping it quiet, but you'd have a great chance of not making it out alive. How could anyone be hurting to the extent they'd rather be DEAD? Why does human kind allow people to get that broken? Why did no one ever reach out to this girl, and ask her how she was, and actually care about her? And show her their love and care and everything else? Why is human kind so selfish? Like, hey, that girl's broken. She's hurting. Whatever, I have plans.

My heart breaks for this girl. I want to show her how much she is loved. Show her how incredible life is. Show her what she would be missing. Show her how incredible life can be. I believe I was made with a purpose. I think God made me with this hatred for suicide, and this passion for prevention, for this girl. To show her these things, to understand her. I wish I knew who she was. It drives me INSANE that I don't know. I wish I could be one of those people that just doesn't care, one of those selfish people. But I'm not, and I would be eternally guilty if i pretended to be.

It's times like these I know I'm cut out for psychology.

the way of the deceitful...

There's more than a handful of people in this world that think lying about things will get you somewhere.

they're correct.

It'll get you to ruin your relationships, people's trust in you, your own stability.

There has been more than one time in my life that someone has heard something about someone else and I am the only person this other person told. Of course, it comes down to "you must have told them."

There has also been more than one time in my life when someone has lied about the blame just so I looked bad and they didn't. How can anyone just have such a blatant disregard for the way things will turn out for other people? Like "yeah, sure, it'll ruin everything for them, but it's not hurting me." How is it possible these people can just do that? If it was me, my conscience would just entirely eat me from the inside, and I would feel so guilty I almost wouldn't be able to function.

It's also odd how these people of deceit can pull this absolute boulder onto themselves, of hatred and arguments and anger, and then they can be the ones upset about it. "I'm so upset my friends are mad at me" *crycrycry* "then maybe you shouldn't have called them bitches" or "maybe you shouldn't have started a rumour about them."

There's also the inability to take responsibility for their own actions. If you are confronted with something and you say "Sure, I said that. I'm really sorry, I hope you can forgive me." there will be that forgiveness process that will take place. However, if you respond with "No, that wasn't me, that was Molly" or "Well, you said you were mad at me" and you try and pass the blame, the person will be less likely to forgive and forget.

So why can't we all just be honest? Take responsibility for what you do and act like the adult you are. If you are honest from the beginning there will be no need for you to bail yourself out of it.

tell the truth

all the time

In the words of the late Heath Ledger,

"you either die the hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain"

it's something unpredictable, in the end it's [not] right [what you did]

i hope you had the time of your life.

[because it cost you a lot.]

I'll write you out of the story like you knew that I would

right now i'm listening to shake it by metro station.

in no way do i feel like i normally do when i listen to metro station. I don't feel carefree and happy and like dancing and listening to techno. I feel like listening to dashboard confessional and watching some sappy movie about falling in love and then wallowing in my problems.

it's funny how one thing, one feeling, can make you think of things you've never thought of before.

One time I talked to a boy a lot. Almost exactly one year ago. I told everyone God had picked him out for me, and we were going to get married. I honestly thought this was the one guy. We never dated, or had a relationship other than talking every couple days. This guy is like my therapist, anything's wrong i can just go ahead and tell him and he'll understand, or at least try his best. I had never liked a guy in this way. It was like, if we were to get together, i'd be more than pleased. This boy stopped working where he was, he moved back to Texas. He had said he cared about me and everything, but it pretty much felt like "Well, Sammie, I'm not being paid to care about you anymore, so I don't."

Now i'm listening to Capital Lights' "Out of Control"
it is genius.

"Well situated from beginning but I'm ending appalled
I'm changing on my own"

"I'll write you out of the story like you knew that I would
Living happily ever after never happens for good
Well, your only getting what you want cause you're getting a rise
I'm just along for the ride"

i never thought it would be possible to not love this boy.
honestly, i'd love to say i hate him.
I hate how he's engaged to this girl that's not me.
I hate how he made me think he cared about me but he didn't.
and yes, i do feel anger. at least, i wish it was anger towards him.
it's anger towards myself, for letting myself love him.

i'd love to say i hate him, but that'd be lying.

sometimes i'm scared i still love him.

authentique, ekte, genuino, GENUINE.

i've been thinking recently about how the idea of love has been so destroyed through the years.

when you say "i love you" to your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee, or spouse, it's supposed to be this big thing that makes your heart melt. Now if it's like "i love you," it's no big deal.

I know people that HATE me, that i'll see and they'll be like "SAMMIE I LOVE YOU."

it's r i d i c u l o u s.

if you're gonna love, love.
if you're not gonna love, don't pretend like you do.

Genuineness, is something that this world is lacking.
you can't trust people that you should because no one you know is genuine.
you can't tell if someone likes you or not because being genuine is a rarity now.
and you try and try and try to be this genuine person and there's no reason, is there?
people don't recognize that you're genuine, and people believe these posers, liars, rather than you.

BE YOURSELF.
and BE GENUINE.
and DON'T SAY YOU LOVE IF YOU DON'T.

keep it real, in a world of fakes.

pain by association

Being stuck in the middle and not being able to do anything is one thing. You can take a side, but either way you will be losing one person you care about, and you will be choosing a person over someone else. There are people that expect you to do things you are not willing to do. There is an extreme amount of stress that is put on you, not due to the situation that you are in, but due to the reaction of people. These are people you love and you trust and it cuts you like a steak knife to softened butter to see their hatred towards one another. You are constantly second guessing your relationships with these people, wondering if they will ever speak to you like they speak to the person in question. It's a situation that many find themselves in, and not many find themselves able to handle wisely.

There is also the opposite of the former situation. There is being replaced as the middle. Two people that never talked before, never cared about each other, are suddenly best friends. That certain person you thought as your friend and ally is now in the spot you used to be in, and more. Doing things that were never offered to you. Having things said to them that were never said to you. Talking about personal things in the other person's life that that person never informed you of. They are open with each other and they tell each other everything. However, this person did not tell you what is going on. You find out at the same time as people that have never been in the same position as you. They have never been this person's friend. This person has never told THEM that they love them, yet you are at the same level as these people.

love relationships aren't the only ones that can hurt.
i think a breakup would be less painful than these.