elsk eller selvmord.

Today I was sitting in spanish, I thought it was a day like any other. The bell is delayed and there's an announcement asking for a counselor to report to the big gym. I thought that was little odd, but whatever, maybe nothing's going on. The bell finally rings and we do whatever we normally do. A girl that had gym that period was telling her boyfriend what happened, and I was right next to them, I overheard. I heard "...*mumble mumble* went into the washroom and swallowed a bunch of chemicals *mumble mumble*" Obviously this girl didn't accidentally leave class and swallow a bunch of chemicals. I think anyone in the world would know this girl was attempting suicide.

I was thinking about her all day. I was fascinated. No one can tell us who she is. I don't know who this girl is, I might, but I don't know if she's someone I know. I just want to know who it is. I want to spend time with her. I want to have conversations with her. I want to get into the deep crevices of her mind and try and figure her out. Know her thoughts and the way her mind works and her passions and her pains and those things that often people never know. I want to know the "secret" part of her.

It also made me despise suicide so much. And my heart broke for her. I remember what it's like to have those thoughts of "it'd be better to be dead right now, that's how much it hurts" and I would consider taking my life. But never would I ever go through with it. I could NEVER go through with it. No matter what. Yeah, it'd make people respect you and love you, and if they already did, stop keeping it quiet, but you'd have a great chance of not making it out alive. How could anyone be hurting to the extent they'd rather be DEAD? Why does human kind allow people to get that broken? Why did no one ever reach out to this girl, and ask her how she was, and actually care about her? And show her their love and care and everything else? Why is human kind so selfish? Like, hey, that girl's broken. She's hurting. Whatever, I have plans.

My heart breaks for this girl. I want to show her how much she is loved. Show her how incredible life is. Show her what she would be missing. Show her how incredible life can be. I believe I was made with a purpose. I think God made me with this hatred for suicide, and this passion for prevention, for this girl. To show her these things, to understand her. I wish I knew who she was. It drives me INSANE that I don't know. I wish I could be one of those people that just doesn't care, one of those selfish people. But I'm not, and I would be eternally guilty if i pretended to be.

It's times like these I know I'm cut out for psychology.

the way of the deceitful...

There's more than a handful of people in this world that think lying about things will get you somewhere.

they're correct.

It'll get you to ruin your relationships, people's trust in you, your own stability.

There has been more than one time in my life that someone has heard something about someone else and I am the only person this other person told. Of course, it comes down to "you must have told them."

There has also been more than one time in my life when someone has lied about the blame just so I looked bad and they didn't. How can anyone just have such a blatant disregard for the way things will turn out for other people? Like "yeah, sure, it'll ruin everything for them, but it's not hurting me." How is it possible these people can just do that? If it was me, my conscience would just entirely eat me from the inside, and I would feel so guilty I almost wouldn't be able to function.

It's also odd how these people of deceit can pull this absolute boulder onto themselves, of hatred and arguments and anger, and then they can be the ones upset about it. "I'm so upset my friends are mad at me" *crycrycry* "then maybe you shouldn't have called them bitches" or "maybe you shouldn't have started a rumour about them."

There's also the inability to take responsibility for their own actions. If you are confronted with something and you say "Sure, I said that. I'm really sorry, I hope you can forgive me." there will be that forgiveness process that will take place. However, if you respond with "No, that wasn't me, that was Molly" or "Well, you said you were mad at me" and you try and pass the blame, the person will be less likely to forgive and forget.

So why can't we all just be honest? Take responsibility for what you do and act like the adult you are. If you are honest from the beginning there will be no need for you to bail yourself out of it.

tell the truth

all the time

In the words of the late Heath Ledger,

"you either die the hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain"