it's something unpredictable, in the end it's [not] right [what you did]

i hope you had the time of your life.

[because it cost you a lot.]

I'll write you out of the story like you knew that I would

right now i'm listening to shake it by metro station.

in no way do i feel like i normally do when i listen to metro station. I don't feel carefree and happy and like dancing and listening to techno. I feel like listening to dashboard confessional and watching some sappy movie about falling in love and then wallowing in my problems.

it's funny how one thing, one feeling, can make you think of things you've never thought of before.

One time I talked to a boy a lot. Almost exactly one year ago. I told everyone God had picked him out for me, and we were going to get married. I honestly thought this was the one guy. We never dated, or had a relationship other than talking every couple days. This guy is like my therapist, anything's wrong i can just go ahead and tell him and he'll understand, or at least try his best. I had never liked a guy in this way. It was like, if we were to get together, i'd be more than pleased. This boy stopped working where he was, he moved back to Texas. He had said he cared about me and everything, but it pretty much felt like "Well, Sammie, I'm not being paid to care about you anymore, so I don't."

Now i'm listening to Capital Lights' "Out of Control"
it is genius.

"Well situated from beginning but I'm ending appalled
I'm changing on my own"

"I'll write you out of the story like you knew that I would
Living happily ever after never happens for good
Well, your only getting what you want cause you're getting a rise
I'm just along for the ride"

i never thought it would be possible to not love this boy.
honestly, i'd love to say i hate him.
I hate how he's engaged to this girl that's not me.
I hate how he made me think he cared about me but he didn't.
and yes, i do feel anger. at least, i wish it was anger towards him.
it's anger towards myself, for letting myself love him.

i'd love to say i hate him, but that'd be lying.

sometimes i'm scared i still love him.

authentique, ekte, genuino, GENUINE.

i've been thinking recently about how the idea of love has been so destroyed through the years.

when you say "i love you" to your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee, or spouse, it's supposed to be this big thing that makes your heart melt. Now if it's like "i love you," it's no big deal.

I know people that HATE me, that i'll see and they'll be like "SAMMIE I LOVE YOU."

it's r i d i c u l o u s.

if you're gonna love, love.
if you're not gonna love, don't pretend like you do.

Genuineness, is something that this world is lacking.
you can't trust people that you should because no one you know is genuine.
you can't tell if someone likes you or not because being genuine is a rarity now.
and you try and try and try to be this genuine person and there's no reason, is there?
people don't recognize that you're genuine, and people believe these posers, liars, rather than you.

BE YOURSELF.
and BE GENUINE.
and DON'T SAY YOU LOVE IF YOU DON'T.

keep it real, in a world of fakes.

pain by association

Being stuck in the middle and not being able to do anything is one thing. You can take a side, but either way you will be losing one person you care about, and you will be choosing a person over someone else. There are people that expect you to do things you are not willing to do. There is an extreme amount of stress that is put on you, not due to the situation that you are in, but due to the reaction of people. These are people you love and you trust and it cuts you like a steak knife to softened butter to see their hatred towards one another. You are constantly second guessing your relationships with these people, wondering if they will ever speak to you like they speak to the person in question. It's a situation that many find themselves in, and not many find themselves able to handle wisely.

There is also the opposite of the former situation. There is being replaced as the middle. Two people that never talked before, never cared about each other, are suddenly best friends. That certain person you thought as your friend and ally is now in the spot you used to be in, and more. Doing things that were never offered to you. Having things said to them that were never said to you. Talking about personal things in the other person's life that that person never informed you of. They are open with each other and they tell each other everything. However, this person did not tell you what is going on. You find out at the same time as people that have never been in the same position as you. They have never been this person's friend. This person has never told THEM that they love them, yet you are at the same level as these people.

love relationships aren't the only ones that can hurt.
i think a breakup would be less painful than these.