it's been three years. sometimes i forget it ever happened, and i think about when the next time i'll talk to you will be. and then i remember that i'll have to wait to get to heaven. i see things and think of things that i think you'd like, and go to text them to you, and then i remember that you don't get very good service up there.
your birthday's in less than a week, you'd be 21, and i would've heard about your drunken craziness. i hope jesus throws you a party. (:
i'm going to frickin washington. i'll bring you whatever you want.
Watch the oceans as they fall, They fall on me so well
Light grows faint as i sink through the sea Fishing boats they pass by But no one throws a line for me i cry out, but the water fills my mouth And my adulteress ways, they do nothing to help these waves
-carter hulsey, mariana.
that's how i feel right now. i feel so consumed, and like i'm drowning. and that anyone and everyone who could help is either too far in distance or in their heart.
i want someone to hold me and i wanna cry like a baby and i want them to just lay there and hold me and tell me everything's going to be okay.
i'm sick of being the strong one, i wanna be the fragile one for once.
i had to write this for leadership with my youth group...
My favourite part of the first chapter of The Unquenchable Worshipper was when he speaks of the three ways to put out a fire: cool it (the example is with water), cut off the oxygen supply, and cut off the fuel supply. I enjoyed the part about cooling it most, and will expand my thoughts.
Redman says that the first way, cool it, is synonymous to how our hearts can also be dampened. That we can be ablaze for God but when we go through a hard time we can “cool off” or be dampened and we can lose our fire, and stop trusting, start doubting God. We take less time to look to the future, and we focus on everything that’s going wrong. We think that God has led us astray or that He’s left us or took away His protective guard and let bad things happen. We let ourselves think that we are still “Christians” but we’re not, because we’re not doing what God says, not living what we should be and we can’t evangelize because we are in need of it ourselves. A broken person can’t heal a broken person. A lost person can’t lead a lost person. However there are some people that don’t allow themselves to be dampened. They continue to live with all their fire and let it get brighter and brighter through anything they endure. This is the worshipper we all should strive to be. Totally on fire and if we’re not already oblivious to everything except Him, we should choose to be. Nothing else matters. Your job, schooling, friends, none of them will help you when you need it most. If you are being attacked by a demon, fries and big macs aren’t going to come save you. Your PhD in math won’t either, and most likely your friends won’t, or can’t. God is the only one that can ever truly help you, and how some people choose to deny His existence or ignore Him is beyond myself.
so i am officially the worst blogger ever. it has been 2 month and a week since my last blog.
so i'll fill you in.
life is life. i've been kind of hating it but there's the hope for the (near) future for all the good things that will happen.
school is unbearable, i hate it i want it to be summer now.
and God is amazing. it sucks because i constantly want to be in a place of worship, and shout ouit in tongues and jump up and down and sing and praise. and i can't. because life has to interrupt me. i have to go to school i have to go to work. and i have to actually pay attention and do what is expected of me, which is not do worship in the middle of the classroom. sometimes it's hard for me. i'm always upset about it and just like "WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LOVE GOD?" and it hits me. like a brick. because if everyone loved God in the same way that His followers do, there'd be no one for us to outreach to, no one to tell of His word, and who would we lead?
and boooooys. oh baby. so there's this boy, Colton.* I really like Colton. and i think Colton is meant for me. Colton and i have been "frating," meaning we are more than friends, and less than dating. Colton has been going through a...crisis lately. He's kind of disconnected himself from the world and i haven't talked to him in a while. I don't wanna pursue him because I don't want him to think I'm needy or obsessed with him or something. I'm just worried.
Then there is a boy, Noah.* I used to think Noah liked me, we used to talk all the time and what have you. He used to tell me how amazing i am and beautiful and he used to send me all these hearts and stuff. And I didn't want Noah to, because I didn't want to have to lead Noah on, and I didn't want to break his heart. I didn't say anything to Noah, but he just randomly stopped talking to me, and I really kind of miss it. It was really nice.
And Xavier.* I met Xavier. I liked Xavier. Xavier didn't like me back. Xavier goes out with girl. Xavier and girl break up. Sammie is happy. Sammie realizes she wants to pursue Colton. Sammie doesn't like Xavier anymore, but she still talks to him and stuff. Xavier's friends accuse Sammie of liking him and then say all this mean stuff to her. Xavier kind of fluffs it off. Sammie is now mad at Xavier because if Sammie's friend did something like that to someone Sammie would be kissing their butt for forgiveness, not just saying "oh sorry bye." Xavier is an a-hole.
CALEB* I have never officially met Caleb but I know OF him. Caleb is super amazing and stuff, but 1) he doesn't know i exist and 2) i don't know how to make him know I exist. Also, Caleb and Colton are friends and if anything more is to happen with Colton or Colton really loves me and wants to be more than my friendboy, I don't want to hurt him. I will always like Colton more. That's what sucks.
There might also be another boy trouble coming along in the form of Brody.* You may or may not hear about him later.
All in all, I should never be allowed around boys ever again.
* fake name. All names witheld to protect my dignity if one of them reads this.
