maneater.

so i am officially the worst blogger ever.
it has been 2 month and a week since my last blog.

so i'll fill you in.

life is life.
i've been kind of hating it but there's the hope for the (near) future for all the good things that will happen.

school is unbearable, i hate it i want it to be summer now.

and God is amazing. it sucks because i constantly want to be in a place of worship, and shout ouit in tongues and jump up and down and sing and praise.
and i can't.
because life has to interrupt me.
i have to go to school
i have to go to work.
and i have to actually pay attention and do what is expected of me, which is not do worship in the middle of the classroom.
sometimes it's hard for me. i'm always upset about it and just like "WHY CAN'T EVERYONE JUST LOVE GOD?"
and it hits me. like a brick.
because if everyone loved God in the same way that His followers do, there'd be no one for us to outreach to, no one to tell of His word, and who would we lead?

and boooooys.
oh baby.
so there's this boy, Colton.* I really like Colton. and i think Colton is meant for me. Colton and i have been "frating," meaning we are more than friends, and less than dating. Colton has been going through a...crisis lately. He's kind of disconnected himself from the world and i haven't talked to him in a while. I don't wanna pursue him because I don't want him to think I'm needy or obsessed with him or something. I'm just worried.

Then there is a boy, Noah.* I used to think Noah liked me, we used to talk all the time and what have you. He used to tell me how amazing i am and beautiful and he used to send me all these hearts and stuff. And I didn't want Noah to, because I didn't want to have to lead Noah on, and I didn't want to break his heart. I didn't say anything to Noah, but he just randomly stopped talking to me, and I really kind of miss it. It was really nice.

And Xavier.* I met Xavier. I liked Xavier. Xavier didn't like me back. Xavier goes out with girl. Xavier and girl break up. Sammie is happy. Sammie realizes she wants to pursue Colton. Sammie doesn't like Xavier anymore, but she still talks to him and stuff. Xavier's friends accuse Sammie of liking him and then say all this mean stuff to her. Xavier kind of fluffs it off. Sammie is now mad at Xavier because if Sammie's friend did something like that to someone Sammie would be kissing their butt for forgiveness, not just saying "oh sorry bye." Xavier is an a-hole.

CALEB* I have never officially met Caleb but I know OF him. Caleb is super amazing and stuff, but 1) he doesn't know i exist and 2) i don't know how to make him know I exist. Also, Caleb and Colton are friends and if anything more is to happen with Colton or Colton really loves me and wants to be more than my friendboy, I don't want to hurt him. I will always like Colton more. That's what sucks.

There might also be another boy trouble coming along in the form of Brody.* You may or may not hear about him later.

All in all, I should never be allowed around boys ever again.

* fake name. All names witheld to protect my dignity if one of them reads this.

i wanna be beautiful, make you stand in awe.

"Beauty is how you feel inside, and it reflects in your eyes. It is not something physical.”-Sophia Loren

what tells us what beautiful is? what defines how we see ourselves, and how we decide if we're good enough or not?
can you truly look at someone and say "they're too fat",
or "they're not pretty enough"?

what makes our society think that we have all the answers, and we decide what's pretty and what's not, what's skinny and what's not, what's hot and what's not?

can one person truly be the definition of sexy?
can one person truly be the definition of beautiful?

what if there was a girl who was drop dead gorgeous, the most beautiful woman you've ever seen, but she was a terrible person? serial killer, shallow, mean to people, ruthless?

what if there was a girl who wasn't exactly good looking, but she was the next Mother Teresa?

who would most people pick to hang out with? the beautiful one, because our society is shallow and looks count for more than looks.

i'm vowing to start looking at people for what they really are, and i hope i can bring some of you along. (:
(and that was super corny)